Testing this Journaling thing out

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 01:39:14 GMT

I am just trying this live journal thing out ... not even sure what to write about. This morning I felt like I could write a novel, but now after a full day of working and walking Jack for an hour, I am exhausted.

I love American Idol. Every time I watch it I feel both inspired to be better and envious of their position. Don't get me wrong, I like chemistry and research and the idea that maybe one day my work may benefit humanity, but right now it isn't quite as glamorous or fulfilling in that way.

Lately I have been bothered by an awful woman at work who is very controlling and it really affects me unfortunately. It seems in any way she can she tries to bully me and make me seem inferior and incompetent. I try so hard to ignore her or pretend like it doesn't bother me ... but it does. Almost everyday I feel like that. I even try preying for her somedays, and that doesn't seem to work in any way, although it makes me feel a little better.

It lately has bothered me because I feel it gives people a mixed impression of me. It seems she doesn't single out anyone the way she does me ... and I fear as a result my boss doesn't really care about me, or better pay any attention to me, in the way I wish he would. Most of my life I have been "the favorite" or the "teachers pet" and I no longer feel important anymore, and a lot of it is that this awful woman has put me in this position. Every freakin' day it is something! I am not that kind of person.

In general I would say that I make friends easily and people like me. In grad school I feel the opposite. I do not feel smart/pretty/or wanted (in terms of my capabilities anyway). I am not the "the favorite" and therefore I feel myself everyday slipping farther and farther into the shadows of mediocracy. I HATE MEDIOCRACY.

Maybe it is natural to be less confident in graduate school, maybe it is a number of things I am not able to pinpoint. One thing I do know, is this woman has no right to do what she does to me .... and it has contributed to my loss of confidence and constant fear/anxiety that people either don't believe me, don't care enough to see the truth or all together disregard the truth because they don't know who is to be trusted. In the mean time my reputation goes down the tubes. She used to tell everybody I was a plagerist .. the most awful accusation ever for a scientist. How does a girl like me get accused of something like that?? It is so awful. I still haven't gotten over that ... even though it is not true at all, even though she dot into trouble with the dean, even though if she ever utters it again she will be expelled.

Is it bad that I want her expelled? Is that bad that I hope that after 8 miserable years in grad school she is dismissed without a PhD?

I don't have much time to elaborate on this as I am pretty tired, but it has taken a lot of inner strength to shake it off.

I used to be the teacher's favorite - always. I ALWAYS was well like and trusted. I am not. I used to have a lot more confidence. I have little. I used to feel great going into lab at Boston College. I am not there and no longer have that sentiment. I feel stripped of my purpose, my image and my confidence.

No Labonte, I don't mind if you have read this. It is nothing you didn't already know or observe.

The Secret Life of Nicole Marie

Testing this Journaling thing out